Cutting another slice of cake,
Jinping did a double take.
“He said what?” he asked in glee.
“A talk on Chinese history?
Okay, here goes—make English sound
And let’s see what new facts are found.”
Jinping put down his fork, “Well, don,
The whole known world is built upon
Our culture—we invented air
And fire, too, as you’re aware?
And trees, because the mountains lacked
A cover—Snort!—alternative fact!
Don’t translate that! And rice and tea
And cheese and fruit—oh yes, the sea—
And cars and boats and penguins, too,
And pandas when we made the zoo
And telegrams and slide trombones
And phonographs and telephones
And malted milk and television
And we discovered nuclear fission
And polio and don’t forget,
Before Al Gore, the internet,
And spinach and the Greyhound bus
And all world civ began with us
And we had writing, cars, and books
Before your dumb Cromagnon schnooks
Had found a way to chip an axe
And we invented income tax
But soon found it was incomplete
Unless we found a way to cheat
(a fact, we know, will interest you,
Who’s made his own discovery, too),
And anything which you can think,
From cocktails to the kitchen sink,
And since we made the world it’s lame
To think that anyone can claim
Some sovereign rights to this or that—
We made it, so it’s ours—that’s flat—
Tibet, Korea, Nine Dash Line—
So if we choose to realign
A country here, and ocean there,
It’s ours—and no one else should dare
To think that they can make a fuss
If we take what belongs to us.”
There was a pause. Xi took a bite.
“He swallow that? He’s not too bright,
That blowfish mouth, that rockslide hair—
Have we gone farther than we dare?
But look—he’s smiling—not a clinker!
He took it in, hook, line, and sinker!
And now he’s saying, ‘Thank you, Xi,
For such a view of history—
Who knew how much we really owe
To China?’ What a dumb fuck! So
It’s time for just one final fake—
Say we invented chocolate cake!”