Nearer, My God…

“The ship is leaking!” tweeted trump.

“All hands! Full speed! Come aft!

We have to plug those leaks right now

Or else we’ll lose the craft!”


“Aye, captain trump,” the First Mate typed.

“We’ll come—and in a hurry,

But, pardon me for mentioning this—

We have a bigger worry!


If you look forward you will see

A sight that’s so alarming

It almost makes me think I might

Believe in global warming!”


“It’s leaks! Unfair! It’s just so SAD!”

The captain, fingers drumming,

Worked feverishly upon the keys.

“Sir, that’s an iceberg coming!”


The First Mate stood on deck and stared,

His placid features manic.

“Put down that phone—quick! Turn the wheel!

Remember the Titanic!


“There is no iceberg—that’s a rock

Which happens to be floating.

So, quiet please, I’m texting now

About illegal voting!”


The First Mate’s eyes went wide with fear

While captain trump kept speaking

About sore-loser lowlife types

Who lurked behind the leaking.


“She’s jealous that I won,” he typed ,

“that crooked Hillary,

So now she says I am the slave

Of the Russian FSB!


She can’t take losing, so she’s caused

All this—this mess today.

She’s hand-in-glove with terrorists

And, of course, the CIA.”


The First Mate tried to take the wheel.

“To starboard! Or to port!

If we don’t move, this reign of ours

Is going to be short!”


“Besides,” typed trump, “an iceberg?

If it is, that isn’t bad!

Think where it’s from—that means that it’s

A gift from my bro, Vlad.


But leaks! There’s leaks! It’s time, First Mate,

To do all that you can—

All leaks like this should be called out

As un-American!”


But, as he turned back to his phone,

The First Mate gave a push

And trump went quickly overboard

With one gigantic SPLUSH!


“Man overboard,” the First Mate said

In his thoughtful undertone.

“It’s up to me to save the ship.

It’s me, and me, alone.”


He spun the wheel, the ship went port.

And after some suspense,

It passed the iceberg and the crew

Cried, “Thank you, captain pence!”


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