Putin sat in the barber chair,
Looking far from grim.
“Why so happy?” asked Ivan.
“Shave—or just a trim?”
“It’s my boy, Donny,” Putin said.
“He’s doing really great.
He’s worth the roubles that it cost
To make him head of state.”
“How so, boss? I read all the news—
Just propaganda—will you
Really say what’s going on?”
“I will, but then I’ll—”
I laughed at that in Brezhnev’s time
And Gorbachev’s, as well,
And everybody’s since then, but,
It’s now as old as hell!”
“Well, Donny thinks that’s funny.” “Yes,
But, if you heard the rumor
About his likes, you know his taste
Is just for toilet humor.”
Putin laughed so hard at that,
He tumbled from his chair.
“You’re right,” he said, while trying to breathe,
“it’s true—‘cause I was there.
Or, rather, all our cameras were
And, Ivan, just between us,
Although his hands may be outsized
He’s got a dinky—”
“It’s something like that, but for now
We’ve made a little deal.
He does just what I tell him to—
In turn, I won’t reveal
The stuff that he would like to hide
And he’s done well, so far.
And that is just as well or else
He’s President Porn Star!
So, on my list of things for him,
He’s working hard, good boy!
On alienating U.S. friends,
As well as to destroy
That nasty NATO, then EU,
Promoting my idea
That I should have the Baltic states
As well as the Crimea.
At home, he stops the media
From spying on his acts—
Instead he keeps supplying them
With his alternative facts.
And, as for local politics,
He’s done just what I said:
Some bribing here, some threatening there,
And democracy is dead!”
“Bravo!” Ivan cried. “Boss, that’s great.
No wonder that you’re smiling!
To make that president behave—“
“I do a little dialing.
He thinks that he’s important when
He types out all those tweets
But trembles when he thinks that I
Can see beneath his sheets.”
Ivan raised scissors in salute,
But paused—“they’re so abundant—
Your victories—but haven’t you
Just made yourself redundant?
You’ve split up NATO, trashed EU—
The US is a zero.
What role is left, at last, for you?”
Vlad answered: “Action hero!”