From the Halls of Montezuma

“We all know that Mexico’s worse than a ghetto,”

Said d trump while phoning Sr. Pena Nieto.

“A swamp like the one I am busily cleaning

Up here—listen up and you’ll soon get my meaning.


It’s clear, that in two weeks, I’ve caused such a fright

That corruption has cleared out—almost over night!

No millionaire senators, lobbies, and all

Of my cabinet is made up of fortunes so small


That their tax returns take just one page—mine takes less—

And, by March, I will have cleared up the terrible mess

Of EPA, health care, and threats to each bank

Which will cease when we give the deep six to Dodd-Frank.


Muslims? They’re gone! They’re kicked out! They’re done!

And, if you watched Fox News, you know we had fun,

Steve and I, in the way we sowed panic and terror

For millions of others—and if there was error


In how we rolled out all our unlegal acts,

We’ll just shrug and say, ‘That’s alternative facts.’

So, listen up, Mr—I can’t say your name—

You think that the US is playing a game?


Your army is cowardly—so’s your police—

So maybe my job will be to release

The might of the US—and that may come soon

And you’ll watch as our tanks roll into Cancun!


Shape up! Tell your rapists I’m on to their tricks!

You know I’m a guy who knows how to treat chicks!

Keep all of your hombres at home or they’ll vanish

If they scale our wall—hats off la veesta! As you say in Spanish!”


He slammed down the phone. “Good job, boss!” said Steve.

“That’s something I bet he would never receive

From that limp dick Obama. Harsh words never fail ya!

Now, boss, let’s see how you can threaten Australia!”



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