Satan sat up, as cramped as could be
From many long hours of late-night tv.
“Turn that off at once!” “What’s the matter, my Lord?”
“I have to admit it—I’m finally bored!”
“But Aleppo’s on next—there’s a hospital bombing!”
“I don’t think that that would go halfway to calming
This feeling of utter and desperate ennui!”
“Look! 500 refugees drowning at sea!
And see! Even more—surely that makes you merry—
2000 went down on a Bangladesh ferry!”
“Now, don’t try to cheer me! I’ve seen it before
And I’ll see it again—being evil’s a chore
And not long ago, it used to be fun—
But now I’ve done everything under the sun
Including Guantanamo, likewise Iraq–
And everything else I can think of to shock.”
“We’ve got a spare comet—let’s aim it at earth!”
“With my luck today, it would give earth wide berth
And they’d just make a movie—and cash—from the error.”
“How about giving Frenchmen a new Reign of Terror?
Le Pen’s more than willing—it’s first refugees,
Then all the remaining left wing deputies.
You used to get hours of fun watching that!”
“But after that first one, the thing is old hat!”
“A new Inquisition?” “But it wouldn’t be new!”
“Volcanic eruption?” “The best you can do?”
“Witch trials?” “After Salem, they give me the twitches!
And besides, after Hil, I have lost faith in witches!”
“Black plague.” “No!” “You’ll love it—it’s really a treat–
Just think of those acres of stiffs in the street!”
“I’ll tell you, Beelzebub, that leaves me cold
And, in fact, everything you suggest is so old!
For ages my main job has been to deceive
And to make man unhappy, beginning with Eve,
For variety now I may do something odd—
Take up needlepoint, or believing in God
Or leave you all here in the darkness and fire
And find somewhere frigid where I can retire.”
“Retire?” Beelzebub muttered in fear.
“I have to do something at once or it’s clear
That Hell will close down—or be shipped overseas
And I’ll lose my healthcare, like most other retirees!
So, think, demon, think: this is getting unpleasant!
Hmm. Well, there’s one thing I saved for a present:
His birthday is soon. He may not be gentle,
But take off the horns and he’s quite sentimental!
My Lord?” “Yes?” “There’s something I saw on the news
Which maybe will help you to shake off your blues.
Among the collection of very bad jokes
Which trump has selected for cabinet folks
And other such people, there’s one who’s your fan—
She’s sent you a ‘linked-in’—her name’s Kellyanne.
Her job is explaining whenever trump acts
Like himself—and she uses ‘alternative facts’.”
“Say what?” Satan asked, with a look of surprise.
“You mean she’s invented a new term for ‘lies’?
Do you know what this means? She must be a magician
Besides being savior for each politician
Who opens his mouth—and then must take back
The lie—no—I mean the ‘alternative fact’.”
And Satan relaxed, and he grinned his old grin
As he watched many congressmen’s souls falling in
To the pit where they howl and they scream and they bluster
In vain to escape by a great filibuster.
“Look at them all, can’t you hear them all fryin’?
I can’t wait to get my pitchfork in Paul Ryan!
And McConnell—he’ll try—but he cannot retract
That all his behavior’s alternative fact!
Turn on that tv as fast as you can
And memo me so that I thank Kellyanne!”