Hallmark’s Best

“Dear Vlad, it’s time to send a card

To wish you Christmas cheer

And thank you for the help you gave

Throughout election year.


I know that it’s all winks and nods,

But never did I doubt you

Would use your little hacker friends—

We couldn’t win without you!


And now, when we’re in office, we’ll

Deny those useful hacks

With threatening tweets and outright lies—

That’s how I hide my tracks!


But thanks should also be concrete

And I’ve a good idea

That I can also thank you by

Suggesting the Crimea


Was always yours and anyone

Who doubts that is insane

To which I’ll add you’ve every right

To take the whole Ukraine


And, since I’m at it, there are those

Old sanctions, which I’ll lift

(and maybe for your birthday

Add Estonia as a gift—


And, for each year I’m president,

For all the help I’ll get

I’ll let you take another state

Until you have a set.)


My thanks again to you, my friend,

My pal among dictators,

Who rules his press with iron fist

And gives Aleppo craters.


If I did not look up to me

In everything I do,

I know I’d have an awful crush

On—am I blushing?—you!”


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