Amendment One

I’ve always hated being blamed—

Especially for things I’ve done—

But now I think I’ve found a way,

An emotional hit-and-run.

If I do something which goes wrong

I never have to pay,

Instead I sing my little song—

Listen—and it goes this way:

 

I didn’t say it, I didn’t do it,

I didn’t think it, too.

The press made it up,

the news made it up,

as always they’re lying to you!

I didn’t mean it, how could I mean it?

How could I possibly do

Such repulsive things—

Someone’s pulling the strings—

It’s the media and none of it’s true!

 

For instance, now I say I think

Obama’s not a regular guy

But instead he’s the founder of Isis,

Which makes him a kind of a spy.

For the moment, I believe it,

Yes, folks, it’s really true!

But if you ask me for the facts,

Here’s what I say to you:

 

I didn’t say it, I didn’t do it,

There’s not a single clue!

The Post made it up,

Megyn Kelly made it up,

As always, they’re lying to you.

I never said it—how could I say it?

How could I possibly do

Such repulsive things—

Someone’s pulling the strings—

It’s the media and none of its true!

 

I’ve a bromance with Vlad Putin now—

He’s a real big hunk of a man.

He bullies other countries

And steals them if he can.

I’ve said he’s said I’m a genius

(which is really true, by the way),

But when it’s said I’m too close to him

Here’s what I always say:

 

I didn’t say it, no, didn’t say it,

That’s all just ballyhoo!

The Times made it up,

Colbert made it up,

And they’re lying, as they always do!

I never said that—why would I say that?

How could I possibly do

Such repulsive things—

Someone’s pulling the strings—

It’s the media and none of its true!

 

That Hillary’s a no account

And really in my way—

She lies much worse than Lyin’ Ted

And hates the 2nd A.

But when I say she might be stopped

By 2nd Amendment folk,

I have my new song on my lips

Before I make that joke:

 

Did someone say that? I didn’t say that!

Some newsman is loose a screw!

John Stewart made it up,

CNN made it up,

Or some other sleazy review.

I didn’t say it—I couldn’t say it—

How could I possibly do

Such repulsive things—

Someone’s pulling the strings—

It’s the media and none of it’s true!

 

I’m all about free speech, you know,

And freedom of the press

Is what I stand by—mostly Fox—

And always will, I guess,

Until I feel myself attacked

Then I shout that it’s corrupt,

But when they throw this back at me

I sing as I interrupt:

 

Did you hear me say that? I didn’t hear that!

That came from out of the blue!

ABC made it up!

NBC made it up!

That bitch of a Huffington, too!

I didn’t say that! Nobody said that!

How could I possibly do

Such repulsive things—

Someone’s pulling the strings—

It’s the media and none of it’s true.

 

So now you know why I do and say

Exactly as I please—

It may confuse my friends sometimes,

But it maddens my enemies!

Racist, sexist, narcissist? Nah!

They’re all completely wrong!

Responsibility fades out

When I begin to sing my song:

 

Who was it said that? Anyone said that?

A thing to turn a deaf ear to!

New Republic made it up,

Slate.com made it up,

Who would believe that? Who?

I am not like that! I never say that!

How could I possibly do

Such repulsive things—

Someone’s pulled your strings!

Media—we’ll soon come for you!

 

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