Keep in Touch!

“Hey, yo!” read the text.

“Thought we had us deal:

You take off sanctions,

We help you steal

Election, but now

Just look how things go—

You keep this up,

Someone is know.

Already is people

Now getting suspici-

Ous and whole plan

Beginning to

Stink like some fish!

You good at distraction,

At confusion, as well.

Is time for distraction.

Confuse them like hell!

But time to abandon

Vote fraud—and tell Spicer

He need better suit

And pretend to be nicer.

We Russians say can’t

Live in hut which is torched

And get lots more flies

Using honey, not borscht.

And maybe you start

Putting leash on loose cannon—

That guy wants world end,

That creepy man Bannon

And likewise dyed lady

Who think she can back

Bad lies with thing she call

Alternative fact.

But, still, pretty good:

NATO shaky, EU,

And so many allies

Be angry with you.

Give you some points—

A few for good tryin’.

Got to go now

And wrestle big lion.

 

SP

Perhaps you would like

FSB getting cosy

With polonium tea

And that Nancy Pelosi?

Area 52

For all of you X-filers, those who believe

In extraterrestrials, those who receive

Their e-mail from space—just what can it mean?

That mysterious massacre at Bowling Green.

 

The nineteenth of no-time, as none will aver,

The event didn’t happen which didn’t occur

At no place, as no one can ever deny,

Where no one was shot and so no one could die.

 

No person from Syria, none from Iraq,

Was heavily armed for that deadly attack.

No person from Yemen on any watch list,

Took part in a murder which didn’t exist,

 

But Kellyanne told us—unless she misspoke,

‘Cause she doesn’t lie—she’s just regular folk

Who helped donald trump win the popular vote,

And spent all her savings on one modest coat

 

Which she wore on that terrible day when her boss

Saw the whole US present, unaware of the loss

Of the millions and millions he just knew that he faced,

Till the photographs showed that they’d all been erased!

 

And it happened again—all believers take note–

When five million illegals made off with the vote

Which the people gave donald—Kellyanne must have said

It was true—‘cause she’d never make up things instead!

 

And yet—they were gone! Though d trump will resist

The idea that maybe they didn’t exist—

After all, he can trust her—almost more than a man—

But there is something odd about that Kellyanne.

 

Perhaps she is magic—it’s certainly queer,

That things which she says somehow all disappear.

We doubt it’s the media—though they can lie—

They are mean and would claim that a person could die,

 

Or a thousand (we’re nothing but killers—so SAD

And not at all better than d trump’s bro, Vlad),

Then make them all vanish so that they could say

It was all just a hoax and then blame Kelly-A.

 

But, in any event, we should count ourselves lucky

That we live so far off from the wilds of Kentucky,

Or else we’d be gone, never more to be seen,

In the disappeared massacre at Bowling Green!

New Worlds

Putin sat in the barber chair,

Looking far from grim.

“Why so happy?” asked Ivan.

“Shave—or just a trim?”

 

“It’s my boy, Donny,” Putin said.

“He’s doing really great.

He’s worth the roubles that it cost

To make him head of state.”

 

“How so, boss? I read all the news—

Just propaganda—will you

Really say what’s going on?”

“I will, but then I’ll—”

“Kill you?

I laughed at that in Brezhnev’s time

And Gorbachev’s, as well,

And everybody’s since then, but,

It’s now as old as hell!”

 

“Well, Donny thinks that’s funny.” “Yes,

But, if you heard the rumor

About his likes, you know his taste

Is just for toilet humor.”

 

Putin laughed so hard at that,

He tumbled from his chair.

“You’re right,” he said, while trying to breathe,

“it’s true—‘cause I was there.

 

Or, rather, all our cameras were

And, Ivan, just between us,

Although his hands may be outsized

He’s got a dinky—”

“Winky?”

 

“It’s something like that, but for now

We’ve made a little deal.

He does just what I tell him to—

In turn, I won’t reveal

 

The stuff that he would like to hide

And he’s done well, so far.

And that is just as well or else

He’s President Porn Star!

 

So, on my list of things for him,

He’s working hard, good boy!

On alienating U.S. friends,

As well as to destroy

 

That nasty NATO, then EU,

Promoting my idea

That I should have the Baltic states

As well as the Crimea.

 

At home, he stops the media

From spying on his acts—

Instead he keeps supplying them

With his alternative facts.

 

And, as for local politics,

He’s done just what I said:

Some bribing here, some threatening there,

And democracy is dead!”

 

“Bravo!” Ivan cried. “Boss, that’s great.

No wonder that you’re smiling!

To make that president behave—“

“I do a little dialing.

 

He thinks that he’s important when

He types out all those tweets

But trembles when he thinks that I

Can see beneath his sheets.”

 

Ivan raised scissors in salute,

But paused—“they’re so abundant—

Your victories—but haven’t you

Just made yourself redundant?

 

You’ve split up NATO, trashed EU—

The US is a zero.

What role is left, at last, for you?”

Vlad answered: “Action hero!”

4:31

“Press got me down. I’m in a slump,”

Thought ever-wakeful donald trump.

His iPhone said it was, “Four-thirty.

Think I’ll message Rod Duterte.

 

He’s halfway round the globe: I’ll guess

That he’s awake. It’s such a mess

That time should have a separate border—

For each new hour– I’ll make an order

 

To say from now on time will stand

And only move at my command—

Like that old king who ruled the tides,

I notice, and the Brits, besides.

 

‘So many times, Rod,’ he began,

‘I’d start to write, but then my plan

Was changed—I’d need to douse the fires

Set by those endless media liars—

 

That First Amendment? epic fail!

I hit the truth right on the nail—

The facts are clear—the entire nation

Was there at my inauguration—

 

Three hundred million, no buts or maybes,

(including, yuk! A lot of babies–

I’d gladly miss them–

Thank god there was no need to kiss them!)

 

And banning Muslims? Yuge success!

Or would be, if the lying press

Would quit with all those made-up stories

About the airports—I’ve got worries

 

Enough—there’s crime on every street

From Mexicans—and Arnold’s tweet

Deserves one back—I won’t be hasty,

But I’ll come up with one so nasty

 

I’ll be that bastard’s terminator.

But have to save that treat for later.

Meantime, I wanted just to say,

I hope you have a great, great day.

 

Have you got something in the hopper?

Drop bad guys screaming from your chopper?

Deny some group its civil rights?

Ignore the law, shoot out the lights

 

Of anyone who has the nerve

To say your duty is to serve

The law—and not that you’re the law?

I want that here—if you just saw

 

What I could do, without the spying

Media and their endless lying,

I’d be like Vlad and make things go

The way they should. My Russian bro

 

Has had a few killed, and so what?

We’re just as bad—what’s one black hat

Or two or ten or even twenty?

Our nation every day kills plenty

 

More than Vlad does– I should know,

‘Cause more than once he told me so.

But gotta run—some so-called judge

–you know the type—refused to budge

 

On banning Muslims—it’s his fault

If millions die. I tried to halt

The flood of terrorists—the bloody

Tide comes in! So, take care, buddy!

 

Unlike Obama—what a weeny!

(I’ll bet his hands are really teeny),

I say that you should keep on shootin’

And, soon, you’ll be another Putin.

 

With love from Don, your US friend,

who wishes he could make an end

of those who take the left position

the way Vlad did his opposition,

 

Not hampered by the Constitution,

But implement the same solution

And make each one pay for his crimes

Beginning with The New York Times.

Pay No Attention…

“Hey! Look over here!” the conjuror cried

As he circled his hands in the air.

“But aren’t those the Russians?” the audience asked.

“No—there’s nothing to see over there!

 

So, look over here!” the conjuror cried.

“Just see: from my wand—a bouquet!”

“But what are they doing?” the audience asked.

“It’s nothing—now all look this way!

 

And just look over here!” the conjuror cried

And a rabbit popped out of his hat.

“Are those really hackers?” the audience asked.

“Not at all—there’s no worry of that!

 

So just look over here!” the conjuror cried

And a pigeon flapped out of his sleeve.

“And isn’t that Putin?” the audience asked.

“No—what you see is what to believe

 

So you look over here!” the conjuror cried.

“Pick a card! These are magical things!”

“What’s Mike Flynn doing there?” the audience asked.

“Now I’ll do that old trick with the rings

 

While you look over here!” the conjuror cried

And the colored scarves flew through the air.

“There’s Mike Pence there, too,” the audience said.

“And now for the ultimate dare

 

As you look over here!” the conjuror cried

And he gave a satanical laugh.

“Aren’t they waving to you?” the audience asked.

“I will now saw Ms Conway in half!”

On Schedule

Dontcha hear them wheels a’rollin’?

They’re comin’ down the road.

It’s the trump responsibility bus

And it looks to loose a load

Of blame and prosecution

For all the devious acts

Which it just can’t Kellyanne away

By blaming alternative facts!

 

There’s something strange with donny

And his friend, “Pooty-Poot’s”

Relationship—it looks more like

They’re really in cahoots.

At every step, d trump will praise,

Excuse, and comfort Vlad

As if he were the closest friend

That donny ever had.

 

Perhaps it’s just a bromance,

Or maybe the appeal

Of watching a fellow president

Make all his critics kneel.

But don’t you ever ask yourself

Why, loudmouthed donald trump,

Would seem to look for Russian hoops

Whenever Vlad says, “Jump!”?

 

Dontcha hear them wheels a’rollin’?

They’re comin’ closer now.

It’s the trump responsibility bus

And it will show you how

It slides right by the media

As if it were a game,

Its driver on the lookout for

A man to take his blame.

 

Now, way back in December,

Mike Flynn had a little chat—

He says he did, but isn’t clear

Beyond that fact, just what

He said to Mr. Kislyak—

His memory seems myopic–

But there seems to be some evidence

That sanctions were the topic.

 

Now Mike Flynn was a general—

He knows official borders—

And wouldn’t talk to Russian pals

Like that without clear orders,

So, when the White House turns on him—

And you’ll see that they do—

They’re doing it to shield from blame

Our president you-know-who!

 

Dontcha hear them wheels a’rollin’?

They’re roarin’ into sight.

There’s a lonely man by the roadside

And it’s his last goodnight.

To save his hide, the driver,

Will see him under the bus,

With a wink to the Steves and Kellyanne,

“It was either him or us!”

From the Halls of Montezuma

“We all know that Mexico’s worse than a ghetto,”

Said d trump while phoning Sr. Pena Nieto.

“A swamp like the one I am busily cleaning

Up here—listen up and you’ll soon get my meaning.

 

It’s clear, that in two weeks, I’ve caused such a fright

That corruption has cleared out—almost over night!

No millionaire senators, lobbies, and all

Of my cabinet is made up of fortunes so small

 

That their tax returns take just one page—mine takes less—

And, by March, I will have cleared up the terrible mess

Of EPA, health care, and threats to each bank

Which will cease when we give the deep six to Dodd-Frank.

 

Muslims? They’re gone! They’re kicked out! They’re done!

And, if you watched Fox News, you know we had fun,

Steve and I, in the way we sowed panic and terror

For millions of others—and if there was error

 

In how we rolled out all our unlegal acts,

We’ll just shrug and say, ‘That’s alternative facts.’

So, listen up, Mr—I can’t say your name—

You think that the US is playing a game?

 

Your army is cowardly—so’s your police—

So maybe my job will be to release

The might of the US—and that may come soon

And you’ll watch as our tanks roll into Cancun!

 

Shape up! Tell your rapists I’m on to their tricks!

You know I’m a guy who knows how to treat chicks!

Keep all of your hombres at home or they’ll vanish

If they scale our wall—hats off la veesta! As you say in Spanish!”

 

He slammed down the phone. “Good job, boss!” said Steve.

“That’s something I bet he would never receive

From that limp dick Obama. Harsh words never fail ya!

Now, boss, let’s see how you can threaten Australia!”